Tag Archives: faith

Teeny, Tiny, Faith

Posted in Life Ramblings by

God and I have been at a standoff for a while. I think He should take care of a thing or two. He thinks He is.

I learned a long time ago that being fake in my faith does no one any good. When I’m mad, God knows it. And I know He can handle it. But sometimes, it’s what He knows, that I don’t, that gets us in trouble.

Me: “I”m trusting you with this. Don’t let me down.”

God: “No, you’re really not.”

That just made me mad, because I really thought I was. So obviously things got more tense.

But then, a while back, I stumbled across a blog post by The Domestic Fringe. It started the ball rolling. Since then, God’s been teaching me a thing or two about the size of my faith.

Since we finished law school in May, things had been pretty bleak around here. It was a string of coming in second for perfect jobs, and a lot of thinking we’d finally found the plan, just to have the rug ripped out from under us again. The final blow had us looking at no where to live, and facing the real possibility of having to move into my high school bedroom in just weeks.

But, that it didn’t happen. We’re still in the apartment that has been our home for 3+ years. We’re making ends meet, just barely.

When I got a call from the last job that I thought was going to save the day, and they told me they had filled the position but would like to offer me a contract position — no duration guarantees, no benefits — I cried. I ranted to God. Why? They wanted me to do this job! Why one more piece of bad news? Why the same day I found out we NEEDED medical benefits?

In my mind, God providing for us means having enough to not worry. That’s what I’ve known. To me, that is the definition of enough.

What I’m beginning to realize is that I want just enough to not have to have faith.

This morning I read this: “I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to the mountain, “Move from here to there” and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” – Matthew 17:20.  I’m pretty sure that my faith is so tiny it’s almost non-existent.

When we were going to lose our home, we didn’t.

When we didn’t have enough money to pay bills, it showed up.

When we desperately needed income, I got a job. My husband signed his first client.

But it wasn’t enough for me. I wanted just enough that I didn’t need to keep trusting God for everything. I wanted enough that I could just trust in us. He must have sent me 100 messages, but none of them stuck. Until this mornings. Something about it resonated.

It doesn’t matter how much I have on this earth. He could take it all back in a moment. I find my security in the exact opposite place than I should, even when I know better. I think I have a strong faith, but my heart often says different. It says it’s not even the size of a mustard seed.

The Last Day

Posted in Faith, Inspiration, Life Ramblings, Relationships by

Today I was officially sworn in, and I am now licensed to practice law.  I am finally a lawyer.

The speeches, the small talk, and really most of the morning was spent rehashing the things we all had to overcome to get to this day.  But that’s not where my heart has been today.  Yes, these last three years have been the most challenging I’ve faced, but I’ve spent enough words on that before.  Today, I’m just feeling grateful.  Hidden among all of the long days, frustrations and disappointments were uncountable blessings.

I met my husband, who loves me even when I’m ridiculous or difficult, and he tells me that, every single day.  He takes care of me, he laughs at my silly antics, and lets me get away with things like blaring the new Taylor Swift CD in his car because waiting to get home from Target is just not my style.  He challenges me to be a better person every day just by being who he is.  He’s my rock, and my safe place to land.

I shared this experience with some pretty amazing people.  Since our first day of class, I have conquered this crazy challenge with someone I should have met in college (we actually had mutual friends) but never did.  We kept each other sane… most of the time.  I watched two of the nicest people I’ve ever met fall in love and now they’re getting married.  There were study sessions that turned into parties, and dinners that turned into late nights. And there is a kinship between those of us who have struggled together the whole way, that I will miss.

And I have friends who didn’t take this challenge on with me, but who stuck by me through it.  They’ve been neglected.  I’ve been a crappy friend to them who hasn’t had time to see them often, and who has been preoccupied with something they didn’t really want to hear about.  I’ve forgotten birthdays.  I’ve missed too many things. They’re still around.  I’m that lucky.

I have a family that loves me, that supports me, and that is proud of me.  They’ve been far away, and I’ve seen less of them, but they’re there.  When push comes to shove they are going to do everything they can to help us.  I don’t think I ever understood how much that means before.

My husband and I have lived in a beautiful apartment that has made this entire journey more comfortable.  We’ve been able to live a non-ramon noodle existence while we were both full time students.  We had adventures traveling through Europe and the U.S. together.

But perhaps my greatest adventure has been the one I’ve had with God.  He called me here.  I often didn’t understand why, but He did.  I learned the weaknesses of my faith.  I learned where I wander when I don’t have a community behind me.  I learned a lot about trust.  I thought I trusted Him before I came here.  Now I know what trust really means.  I also learned a lot about grace.  He has met me where I fell every step of the way.

Today was the last day in a long journey.  It’s a perfect day to be grateful.

Little Blessings

Posted in Faith, Inspiration, Life Ramblings by

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Three years ago I rented a tiny apartment in a beautiful building on the river, and although my furniture barely fit, it had something none of my previous homes residences offered: a roman soaking tub.  It was my escape.  After long days of class and studying until the words blurred together, I could literally sink up to my eyeballs in warm water and bubbles.  The stress of law school couldn’t reach me there.  That’s where I kept my sanity.

When I moved in with my husband I happily found soaking tubs were standard in many new apartment buildings around here.  It wasn’t quite as big or luxurious, but it more than served the purpose.  Sometimes I escaped with a good book, or a notebook and pen as I tried to capture my own thoughts without interruption.  Other times I just turned on some relaxing music and let the stress melt away.

The thing about little blessings like this is that you rarely think about them… until the bubble bursts.

This weekend we were back in Madison, this time for my husband’s job interview.  While we were there we knew we had to start looking for apartments, just in case.  What we learned once I started calling around, is that Madison currently has a less than 1% vacancy rate.  It is apparently one of the only cities in this country that has companies on hiring frenzies.  One company alone has brought in almost 2000 new employees this summer.  Hence, no apartments.

The ones we found, they were disgusting.  In beautiful buildings that weren’t even there when I left a few years ago we found living rooms stained with animal accidents, some with actual animal feces still on the floor, toilets not bothered to be flushed, carpets that had never been vacuumed, walls with holes in them… I don’t understand how some people live.  I really don’t.  I think our home is a mess when it has unopened mail scattered on the kitchen cupboard.

Finally, after days of searching, we found a few viable options, my husband’s interview went well, and we came home to wait.  My husband left to go play poker with the boys, and for the first time in a while, I was alone with my thoughts.  We’re right at the tipping point.  We could get everything we hoped for, or none of it, and all we can do now is wait.  Then the nostalgia hit, and I started wandering around our apartment thinking about all of the good times we’ve had here.  We had date nights here, got engaged in the kitchen, came home from our honeymoon to every fire alarm in the place going off in the middle of the night…

It was a happy nostalgia until I saw the tub.  Then I realized, not a single option we saw had one.  Suddenly I was heartbroken.

Obviously, this is not the end of the world.  In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter at all.  But sometimes I think it’s the little things that make big changes feel real.  Leaving friends, the city we’re used to, it’s hard to feel all of that.  It’s so big and amorphous.  But the little things, the ones that build everyday, those I can grasp losing.

As we wait this week to hear where life might take us (which, by the way, is excruciating), I’m trying to soak up the little blessings we have here.  I’ve spent a lot of time overlooking them, and soon they’re going to be gone.  They help remind me that while I beg for the time to pass faster, and to get an answer to my prayers, there is beauty in the time moving slowly, and savoring what time we have left here.